Rest your trigger on my finger.

In which Lizz is the oldest lady in the universe

2009-08-31T01:35:54Z

Blooogh I have been going to bed earlier and earlier every night. Can't say I don't enjoy it. A new semester starts on Wednesday and I am, against my better judgement, really excited to get back into class. Mostly, I just don't have anything better going on. Might as well get twelve credits out of the way, right?

My weekends are always so hardcore. I work an eight hour casual-dress shift and then come home, hang out with my roommate, and fall asleep by eleven. Such a lifestyle is interesting to the degree that it simply has to be blogged about, hence this gripping update.

At least this weekend, I rewatched Amelie? (in two parts. because I dozed off the first night)

Depressingly yours,
leezz

ETA: Oh, and I burnt my earlobe with a hair straightener this morning. All those people who told me not to stretch my ears were always wrong, until today.

lizzicide @ 2009-08-07T22:50:00

2009-08-08T02:50:59Z

A full courseload is the best cure for a broken heart.

- Discrete Structures I
- Introduction to International Relations
- Business Finance
- General Psychology
- Monsters, Apes, and Nightmares (sounds like most of the guys I've dated, hurr hurr hurr)

...whew. This is not going to be particularly fun, but masochism never is, is it?

Every Class is Different:

2009-07-23T11:15:49Z

Some people are great.
Nick is an alcoholic who cheats on me.

lizzicide @ 2009-05-09T08:28:00

2009-05-09T12:28:22Z

The good (well, great) news is that I'm no longer depressed!! Instead, I'm unhappy about certain things, but the difference between being sad about my crappy relationship streak and actually being depressed is striking. Thank fucking god, because being that depressed was the scariest shit I've dealt with in a long time. Welcome back, Lizz.

The bad news is that ~~people are fucking retarded when it comes to having any clue how to treat others~~ I'm too reasonable of a person to make sweeping generalizations about people who I know in my heart to be Good Guys. Or even the ones I know to be Bad Guys, for that matter.

I wish I just didn't give a shit, you know?

better.

2009-05-02T18:30:10Z

"If we're not gonna make it, it's gotta be you that gets out, cos I'm not capable. I'm fucking Irish, I'll deal with something being wrong for the rest of my life." -- The Departed.

So. Nick broke up with me. And...honestly? It's a good thing that he did, because I never would have broken up with him in a million years. He was too funny, too nice, too sweet, too darn cute for me to throw away our relationship, no matter how bad things were getting or how uncomfortable I felt, because I knew I wasn't going to find another guy like him. Knowing I'd miserably let things drag on, never having the balls to cut and run, I tentatively broached the subject and asked him if he still wanted us to be together. And yeah, the answer saddened me, as a huge part of me believed he wanted to fix things as much as I did, but...how surprised could I be, really?

So yeah, I'm so lucky I won't be following him around like a puppydog for another five months. The decision's been made for me! I'm off the hook! I can stop trying! Viva los muertos!

lizzicide @ 2009-04-27T08:26:00

2009-04-27T12:31:50Z

All semester, I freaked out about how much schoolwork I was blowing off, how little time I had for my coursework, how badly I was fucking up my GPA by letting my internship and my boyfriend take up all my time.

Economics II (Macroeconomics): A-
Principles of Marketing: A-
Studies in Film: Incomplete, pending my re-taking the class over the summer. This is the one class where I really did freeze up and stop doing assignments a third of the way through, but I talked to the Professor and he agreed to Inc me instead of failing my avoidant ass.

You guys...I thought I damn near failed both of those classes and I got A fucking minuses?!?
I'm so lucky.

lizzicide @ 2009-04-20T17:23:00

2009-04-20T21:23:35Z

Good news!

- Internship will be extended by a monthly basis, with my home department occasionally stealing me back if staffing calls for it.
- Got a $423 refund for my February wisdom tooth extraction.
- Was awarded the Customer Service Advocate of the Year for all of Lifeline, 2008. (it was a tie, so Dana also won, but still!) Comes along with $1200 worth of gift cards! Probably going to get business-casual clothing or plane tickets or a couch. Can't decide.
- My film professor is letting me get away with an Incomplete on the condition that I re-take the course over the summer. This is the class where I shut the fuck down and stopped doing any assignments at all a third of the way through the semester.
- I GOT AN A- IN MACROECONOMICS HOLY FUCKING SHIT I THOUGHT FOR FUCKING SURE I WAS GETTING A D. I would have been happy with a C+. Disappointed as hell in myself, sure, but happy. But an A-?!? Oh my god. Jack. Pot.

lizzicide @ 2009-04-13T06:22:00

2009-04-13T10:22:39Z

Okay. This is going to work.

lizzicide @ 2009-04-10T22:33:00

2009-04-11T02:33:08Z

razmigdotnet: whats up
thelizzness: everything around me completely sucking, being depressed like i haven't been since i was 16, crying into a towel
thelizzness: you?

Ex-boyfriends know just when to try and catch up with me.

at least my bank account is happy.

2009-04-10T01:53:32Z

All the things that are important to me are important to no one else la la la la la la

I'm committed to not being the one who ends my internship, which is quickly approaching the six month mark - If it's going to end, it's not going to be because I gave up. I'm going to continue busting my ass and banking the cash and trying to hold it together for as long as I can.
That being said, they just cut my hours at the internship because my main department needs my labor too badly to be able to spare me on even a single day a week. Wtf? Really? I'm not asking for a lot, just ONE DAY. My department has let other reps go do other special projects full time, but nope. Now I'll be in Operations on Tuesdays and Thursdays every other week, and...that's it. Two days every other week is like nothing. I might as well not even try. And it's back to me doing this "out of my own pocket," so to speak - Only interning on days that would otherwise be my days off. My much, much needed days off. Suddenly facing seriously diminishing potential returns on my investment, but I'm committed now, so I'll see it through and watch the rest of my life suffer as a result.

My boss said we could re-evaluate my schedule again in two months. Great! June! Just in time for me to book myself all summer.

I'm so depressed about this. I've sunk a lot of myself into this internship, and sacrificed a ton of my free time (especially compared to all of my friends), and to get no help or support from anybody... And any hope of this turning into a permanent position is kinda shot, thanks to the double-whammy of the shitty economy and the FULL TIME intern they got from another department. Man, no wonder I'm such a cranky mess.

Nevermind the fact that one of the reasons I'm afraid to leave Ops is that I'm worried that the extra free time won't make me feel any better. I hate being depressed. I'm NEVER depressed, except the part where I have been for months.

lizzicide @ 2009-03-13T09:27:00

2009-03-13T13:27:07Z

In honor of having sent in my LAST CREDIT CARD PAYMENT EVER WOOOO today, a haiku:

credit card debt dead
four months, five thousand dollars
i am a GANGSTER.

lizzicide @ 2009-03-07T01:25:00

2009-03-07T06:26:03Z

I hate the subtle implication that my being too overwhelmed with work to hang out makes me a bad person.

lizzicide @ 2008-12-30T23:22:00

2008-12-31T04:22:56Z

Lizz: "Nick, don't hate me..."
Nick: *starts singing* "You're beautifullll..."
Lizz: "Don't do that, either."
Nick: "I can't do anything right..."

lizzicide @ 2008-12-27T11:16:00

2008-12-27T16:16:44Z

On one hand, I spend every second bemoaning the fact that I'm totally overwhelmed and I don't know how I'm going to keep up this pace for long. There's a fortune cookie fortune paper fortune fortune fortune sitting underneath my monitor that says "Work is the true elixir of life. The busiest man is the happiest man." I keep it there so I can laugh wearily at 50-hour weeks. And did I mention school starts back up in a month? So instead of, "Oh, don't worry, things will get easier soon," it's "You're already struggling and you're about to add schoolwork into the mix - what fun!"

On the other hand, I just realized that next week will be my tenth week of juggling life, my job, and my internship. Ten weeks gone without me even noticing it. I can do this. What's a few more months? In the meantime, I need to accept the fact that other aspects of my life are going to suffer. For one thing, I'm going to take three courses instead of five. Three being the minimum necessary in order to maintain health insurance coverage under my mom's plan. Man, I cringed typing the word "minimum." This degree needs to be OVER goshdarnit. Also, it is okay, Lizz, that your laundry baskets (yes, baskets, plural) are overflowing and your house looks like a bomb went off because even the clean laundry is stacked in haphazard piles in your kitchen, on the stove even, rather than being hung up in the closet. You're going to have to let the fuck go of the neat freak streak you picked up over the last couple years. It is unreasonable to sacrifice a spare second to Finally Get The House Clean and expect it to actually stay that way, because it won't. Quit apologizing and falling all over yourself explaining that you just haven't had the time -- Goddamnit, stop being hard on yourself.

Yes, I am this upset over my house being messy, and yes, I do realize that this is incredibly irrational of me. It's just this visual reminder of the things I'm being forced to neglect because I'm too busy. But instead of flipping the fuck out, maybe I'll relax a little and just let the filth pile up - carve out little pathways through the morass of clothes and papers covering my floor.

On the bright side? I have a job! Hell, I have two! And they're paying my tuition! And I'm putting the extra cash I'm getting from the internship towards my credit cards (must resist urge to spoil self as a reward for working so much - you already did that, remember? It's big and yellow and has a VW emblem on the back? yeah, so stfu about wanting the Google phone, your Sidekick's fine, spendy mcspendspend), so even if the internship never leads to a real actual position in Ops, it's hardly a total waste.

Okay. Rant over. Happy holidays.

lizzicide @ 2008-12-26T15:13:00

2008-12-26T20:13:14Z

2008 was a holy-moly big fucking year for me. I almost started writing a list of what I accomplished: This was the year I went blonde. The year I learned to drive and bought a car. The year I really started reaching for more and putting myself out there.

I've been incredibly lucky, and I can only hope it holds.

...oh, and can I just remind you guys that Obama's gonna run this bitch? Pretty psyched. :D

lizzicide @ 2008-12-25T13:50:00

2008-12-25T18:50:07Z

All week long, I've been looking forward to Christmas so I could take some time off from my social shenanigans to clean my landfill of an apartment. I'd wake up with Nick, drive him back to his apartment, drop him off in time for his noon-thirty shift, and drive back to Framingham to purge this bitch with fire. All would be well. But noooo, homeboy had to fix his puppy-dog eyes my way this morning and ask me to come back and see him again when he finished working. And then homeboy had to leave his phone plugged into my computer. So now I get to be home just long enough to shower and change before I head back to see him.

Grumble. :)

cephalopod revolution

2008-12-24T00:53:41Z

My xmas mix-EP for Nick:

Cloud Cult - Hurricane & Fire Survival Guide
The Killers - Glamorous Indie Rock & Roll
TV on the Radio - Ambulance
Play Radio Play - Madi, Don't Leave
The Kooks - Always Where I Need to Be

Yeah, I know, I've outdone myself.

ohhhh baby, you're a classic, like a little black dress

2008-12-12T13:32:09Z

Deeeaaar Gravity,
You've held me down in this starless city.

It occurs to me that old problems are very good at being replaced by new ones, but then I think, fuck!, how much nicer the new ones are than the old.
What a horribly constructed sentence. I blame Lil Wayne.

lizzicide @ 2008-11-23T11:59:00

2008-11-23T16:59:30Z

Drove my car to work this morning. Stalled out four times before I got here, but fuck, I drove it!

Oh. Yeah. I bought a stick shift Beetle. Now throw this stone...into this halfway home!

And the solemn verse resounds...

2008-11-21T13:11:36Z

I'm still figuring out what it is I want.

lizzicide @ 2008-11-20T19:26:00

2008-11-21T00:26:14Z

oh and i have "slut hair" now.

2008-11-13T01:36:54Z

It's been a while since any of us heard from Joe, so I texted him to make sure he was still puttering around above ground. He responded immediately. I'm way more relieved by this than I expected to be. Woo!

thelizzness: joe's still alive.
no666inspace: i'll take care of that for you
thelizzness: hahahahahahahaha
thelizzness: before or after we make sweet illicit imaginary love
no666inspace: during
no666inspace: i get off on it.
thelizzness: ...zomg, me too.
thelizzness: soulm8.
no666inspace: :)

lizzicide @ 2008-11-10T11:04:00

2008-11-10T16:04:10Z

You guys. I am one report away from ten weeks of freedom. I'll finally be able to clean my house (a desk not covered in math worksheets and econ printouts? inconceivable!) and see my friends (WINSON ASHDJSHHJSFGSH). And get my hair done. And not schedule every aspect of my life a week in advance.

God, this feels GREAT.

My internship's still going to be an issue. I'm working six days on alternating weeks and hiding my more noticible piercings while realizing that everyone can see the 3/4th" tunnels in my ear from a mile away. Oh well. I love it.

lizzicide @ 2008-11-09T08:06:00

2008-11-09T13:06:39Z

Just in case the Beetle thing ends up not panning out, someone take me up to NH so I can buy this sexy beast:

http://boston.craigslist.org/nwb/ctd/910590264.html

lizzicide @ 2008-11-06T00:37:00

2008-11-06T05:37:53Z

I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANY OF MY SCHOOLWORK OR FULFILL ANY OF MY OBLIGATIONS OR MOVE A DAMN MUSCLE, YOU HEAR ME? I WILL SIT HERE IN MY BATHROOM WITH MY WET HAIR WRAPPED IN A TOWEL AND YELL AT MY LIVEJOURNAL UNTIL...I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING. FOREVER.

ugh.